life Funny Status Messages

   I asked my doctor, do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life? The doctor replied, I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don’t believe in all that astrology crap. He said, neither do I, my thermometer just broke.

   You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.

   When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   Being sarcastic on a regular basis can add up to three years to your life.