shawnee Funny Status Messages

   For the record, if my mother ever tells you she uses Oxycontin to remove stains, it's not true.

   Signs you are getting old: My friend was asked last week how she can sleep so early at night, and answered, "an eyemask." The person who asked wanted to know how an iMask worked.

   Facebook suggested that I become a friend of Jesus...is that some sort of sign?

   My GPS keeps sending me through sketchy neighborhoods, but I go along, ‘cause I don't want my GPS to think I'm racist.

   Bristol Palin says she'll eventually run for political office. Americans say they'll eventually run for Canada.

   The Packers had a Super Bowl celebration & as a special treat, Christina Aguilera came & messed up the words to “We Are the Champions."

   Working out sucks...maybe I'll just spring for liposuction and 639 muscle implants.

   So I know it was kind of wicked of me to make chocolate chip cookies when you are on a diet, but I licked them all when they came out of the oven so you wouldn't be tempted.

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all.

   My fat friends all want to go to dinner and my skinny friends all want to go to yoga.