danny boy Funny Status Messages

   i think the guy standing next to me has given up on life, I can tell because he is barefoot at a Wal-Mart urinal..

   Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she’d stood him up.

   “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   Childbirth. The most beautiful thing in the world… Being destroyed by a baby.

   Just replied to an ad offering me hot sex with an older woman. Should be interesting. I am 86.

   My wife’s got tîts like coconuts. Hairy as fûck.

   I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

   The judge sentenced me to 12 years today. Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.