Timmy Funny Status Messages

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.

   We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"

   I've been on a million first dates in my life, but there is still no rejection like a toddler refusing to high five you back...

   Not every trophy wife is first place...

   I went to Ferguson, MO and all I looted was this lousy T-shirt...

   I've finally tried Turkish Delight...it was good, but not "betray my family to the White Witch" good....

   what f#cking idiot named them jet-skis instead of boatercycles

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   “According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”