Tim Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.

   When you are a kid, it makes you proud when someone says "Wow! You’ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.

   The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

   Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"