Status Stalker Funny Status Messages

   There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

   1 in 5 people are Chinese. I wonder if my mom and dad know which one of my brothers it is?

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..

   When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   Do ducks play "me, me, goose"?

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   I've never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an American Eagle once.

   $3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo.