KAREN Funny Status Messages

   I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.

   Thanks for the fecking blockbusters gift card granma.

   According to my husband, it's not a tickle fight until half my ribs are broken and I've sharted myself.

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.

   Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.

   There's so many pictures of trump thrusting an index finger at me in my timeline, I'm starting to feel violated and a little horny.

   My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?