Cal Funny Status Messages

   I love it when I get things delivered that I ordered when drunk. Its like a gift from drunk me to sober me .

   My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?â

   "If alcohol is poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things in me I need to kill..."

   Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man

   I never use turn signals..its nobodies business where I go.