@beaubridwell Funny Status Messages

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I give them a big hug. I can only imagine how hard life must be for the visually impaired.

   I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"

   My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

   You don't have to like me, I'm not a Facebook status...

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   I'm no terrorist, but I have blown up my underwear a time or two...

   Call me crazy but I think Herman Cain could still win this thing if everyone he groped votes for him...

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed

   I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...

   if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...