@ballysboots Funny Status Messages

   Russian and Ukrainian troops in Crimea are involved in a tense stand-off. The latest reports are that France has already surrendered....

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

   I found a six metre roll of bubble wrap at work this morning, and my boss said, "Just pop it in the corner." Six bloody hours it took me....

   I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

   I told my mate that I met Robert De Niro once. He said, "Really, what was your impression of him?" I replied, "You talkin' to me...?"

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....