Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 999 of 6446

Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.
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03-19-2017 16:26
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Reagan had ketchup in school lunches declared a vegetable, so maybe Congress can have Trump declared a vegetable.
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03-19-2017 16:23
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Watching Trump meet with various world leaders is like witnessing someone go on a bunch of really bad first dates.
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03-19-2017 16:22
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I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.
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03-19-2017 16:20
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Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.
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03-19-2017 16:17
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St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.
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03-19-2017 16:15
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President Trump's wild accusations shocked Melania because she knew first hand that nothing was getting "tapped" in Trump Tower.
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03-19-2017 16:11
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New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.
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03-19-2017 16:09
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After the President asked for an intelligence audit, the FBI review showed that no signs of intelligence could be found at the White House.
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03-19-2017 16:07
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Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.
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03-19-2017 16:05
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A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.
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03-19-2017 16:04
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Trump wants a 30 foot wall.> i'm starting a 35 foot ladder business.
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03-19-2017 10:03
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If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.
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03-19-2017 08:44
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“Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.
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03-19-2017 05:43
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Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.
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03-19-2017 05:42
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Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?
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03-19-2017 05:12
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Roll over Beethoven...:(
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03-18-2017 20:03
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Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
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03-18-2017 12:42
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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
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03-18-2017 09:09
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Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
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03-18-2017 09:08
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