Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; and not a government agency.

   my stocks plumeth again.....can I get a welfare check?....

   Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation....

   Be honest....has ANYONE ever eaten the Fruit Cake they got for Christmas?

   Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!

   I just realized the most exciting part of playing Monopoly is picking the token.

   I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee.

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   it's the time of year agian to get a lot of fruit cakes...now I cant wait for them to leave & go back to their own homes

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"

   She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"

   $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

   I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

   To any of my single Lady friends, if your wish to have me naked for Christmas, private message me. Thanks.

   If you think Amy Schumer is either hot or funny, you're what's wrong with America....

   Seen one sneaker in the road agin this week.. How does this happen? Somewhere there is a jogger who get's home look's down at their feet and say's "Not again...I lost another one"

   I think I'll build me a snowman and dress him up as a security guard, leave him out front to guard that snow bank.

   Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.