Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Reagan had ketchup in school lunches declared a vegetable, so maybe Congress can have Trump declared a vegetable.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching Trump meet with various world leaders is like witnessing someone go on a bunch of really bad first dates.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon President Trump's wild accusations shocked Melania because she knew first hand that nothing was getting "tapped" in Trump Tower.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:11 Comments (2)  


   messageicon New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:09 Comments (4)  


   messageicon After the President asked for an intelligence audit, the FBI review showed that no signs of intelligence could be found at the White House.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump wants a 30 foot wall.> i'm starting a 35 foot ladder business.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 10:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 08:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 05:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 05:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?
←Rate | 03-19-2017 05:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Roll over Beethoven...:(
←Rate | 03-18-2017 20:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 09:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 09:08 Comments (0)  




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