Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's time I go outside and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   R.I.P. Jason Seaver

   Christmas - The time of year when you can get the whole dysfunctional family together under one roof!

   Breaking news: Trump to appoint dingo to watch baby.

   Apparently they're called mini liquor bottles, not child sized

   Egg Nog is the perfect holiday drink for when you don't feel like breathing out of your mouth for a few hours.

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?

   The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"

   If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.

   For everyone that talks bad about Walmart, they now carry throw pillows that look like slices of pizza if you wanna take it all back.

   New N.S.A. Watchlist: People who hurt my feelings on Twitter.

   This Christmas you can either join the Mile High club or the less prestigious Rock Bottom club, having sex on a Greyhound bus. If that's not rock bottom, I don't know what is.

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

   I hope there will never be an assassination attempt on our President Elect. But it would be really funny just to hear the Secret Service yell "Donald, duck!"

   Getting tired of seeing her updated Facebook selfies again for the 20th time today....

   If Trump said he loves kittens, the Washington Post headline would be: Trump hates puppies...

   My Christmas tree wasn't the only thing that got lit up last weekend!!

   To all the horny female teachers out there. There are grown men who will gladly let you sexually abuse them. . .