Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meatloaf's "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" is Trump's favorite song about what is the appropriate percentage of your wives who should be immigrants.

   Careful Ivanka. The boss in your new office is very handsy with attractive young women.

   Did Trump's physician say he would be the fittest President in history? If anything, he might be the fattest President in history.

   Sean Spicer must wear flame-retardant pants to every press conference to keep his pants from igniting.

   North Korea tests new rocket engine. Donald Trump phones Kim Jong-un and leaves stern voicemail stating, "Me no likey."

   Trump is now claiming, that his Perrier water is being tapped.

   Sean Spicer is what would happen if Hank Hill let Cotton influence Bobby.

   It makes sense Tim Allen would support Trump considering he's a big fan of tools.

   Paul Ryan thinks Trumpcare health bill needs some changes. To me, it needs only one -- incinerating the entire document in a tire fire.

   Going from Barack Obama to Donald Trump is like replacing Captain James T. Kirk with Captain High Liner.

   You know how you sometimes hear something pop loudly in the microwave? That's the camera bulb flashing.

   Donald Trump's approval rating has dropped to 37%. Norman Bates scored higher with his mother.

   Sean Spicer is now claiming that Richard Nixon had a Very Limited Role in Watergate.

   Ivanka Trump is getting an office in the West Wing. Too bad about her creepy coworker who just so happens to be her dad.

   In Trump's America, reading is for dummies. Watch more TV.

   Jerry Sandusky was trending this month and I thought Trump made him the head of the Family and Youth Services Bureau.

   Now is probably a good time to teach your Nana how to set up a GoFundMe account for her health insurance.

   Trump supporters like me are so poor, we have to create a g-mail account just so we can eat the spam.

   Looks like they'll be building condos on Sesame Street.

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.