Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Trump's America, reading is for dummies. Watch more TV.

   Jerry Sandusky was trending this month and I thought Trump made him the head of the Family and Youth Services Bureau.

   Now is probably a good time to teach your Nana how to set up a GoFundMe account for her health insurance.

   Trump supporters like me are so poor, we have to create a g-mail account just so we can eat the spam.

   Looks like they'll be building condos on Sesame Street.

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   I need to lose weight. Baskin-Robbins just called my mom and told her because of me they're down to only 5 flavors.

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.

   I'm not a fan of Donald Trump, but I won't denigrate those who are....and for those that are Donald Trump fans, denigrate means to put down.

   As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.

   Today I watched Sean Spicer try to defend his boss's ridiculous positions. Later I saw a moose lick his own junk for five minutes. I'm not sure whether Spicer or the moose acted with more shamelessness.

   I went to visit my grandpa in the home and I asked him, Grandpa , do you know who I am.. He said NO , but if you go to the desk , they'll tell you .

   You’re smiling next to me…. In silent stupidity

   Well, another year with no finacial aid. That's what you get when you're white, parents are still married and they both work for a living.....

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   North Korea and China are pretty much going to do what they want, because Asian culture does not respect Russian puppets.

   I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

   How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN.