Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.

   Today I watched Sean Spicer try to defend his boss's ridiculous positions. Later I saw a moose lick his own junk for five minutes. I'm not sure whether Spicer or the moose acted with more shamelessness.

   I went to visit my grandpa in the home and I asked him, Grandpa , do you know who I am.. He said NO , but if you go to the desk , they'll tell you .

   You’re smiling next to me…. In silent stupidity

   Well, another year with no finacial aid. That's what you get when you're white, parents are still married and they both work for a living.....

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   North Korea and China are pretty much going to do what they want, because Asian culture does not respect Russian puppets.

   I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

   How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN.

   The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow.

   To be fair, Trump thinks Meals on Wheels is a taco truck and he hates Mexicans.

   Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.

   Steve Bannon spent St. Patrick's Day the way he spends every other day, drinking us all into oblivion.

   So, the argument is that Trump said "wire tap" because he couldn't spell "surveillance"?

   So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?

   If those terrible doctors hadn't given Trump those five deferments, we would have won Vietnam, bigly.

   BREAKING: Trump cancels annual Easter Egg Roll, claims he "doesn't care for Chinese food".

   Future Jobs For Kellyanne Conway: Curator of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial Museum.