Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want to help mexicans? Forget protesting the wall. Get your family on heroin.

   I installed an energy saving water heater this morning. It's a tankless job but somebody has to do it.

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?

   Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while

   If to this day you still going on about how Trump won, you are an idiot of the lowest order. By now you should be talking about how Trump made America great again, which unfortunately is just a promised pipe dream.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   I'm so glad we don't have a Democrat president or else everyone would be crying.....wait everyone is!

   ‪The leading cause of divorce is marriage.‬

   When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   "Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."

   If this is a witch hunt, didn't it end when they found Kellyanne?

   Jobs, jobs jobs. Trump won't stop until every American can afford to hire a Russian call girl to pee on them.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…

   I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.

   I went to a spin class led by Sean Spicer. It worked completely different leg muscles because all we did was back-pedal.

   Pretty sure that Flynn wants immunity so he can confess that he was the one who took a deuce in the urinal.