Funny Status Messages

   The President woke up this morning and said "I don't think we have been corrupt enough yet. There must be more lies we can tell. Get Devin on the phone."

   3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   Trump has taken Take Your Daughter to Work Day to the next level.

   Ivanka Trump's West Wing Duties: 1) Smile. 2) Stick chest out. 3) Hold Daddy's hand and make sure he remains calm. 4) Administer meds.

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   Tom Brady's jersey would have never been stolen if we had a wall. There, I said it.

   I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

   Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"

   Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.

   DOES TRUMP ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING besides watch TV, play golf and tweet?

   NBC should get Hillary Clinton to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of "Celebrity Apprentice" just to mess with Trump.

   How long before Donald Trump claims the Obama White House assassinated JFK?

   How dare Emma Watson pose nude for publicity? Who does she think she is, the First Lady?

   US added 235,000 jobs in February. To be fair, most of those were fact checkers reporting on Trump.

   If Donald Trump cuts funding for Sesame Street how will he ever learn to read?