Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Miss the days when a White House scandal only involved the Oval Office and an intern with dirty knees.

   The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?

   Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.

   Trump has been divorced three times. From: 1) Ivanka. 2) Marla. 3) Reality.

   Every day is April Fools if you voted for Trump.

   Don't get Donald Trump started on how Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd is no match for Dreamy Eyes Sean Hannity.

   Wonder if Donald is going to borrow money from Vladimir Putin to pay for Trump University lawsuit.

   Want to help mexicans? Forget protesting the wall. Get your family on heroin.

   I installed an energy saving water heater this morning. It's a tankless job but somebody has to do it.

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?

   Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while

   If to this day you still going on about how Trump won, you are an idiot of the lowest order. By now you should be talking about how Trump made America great again, which unfortunately is just a promised pipe dream.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   I'm so glad we don't have a Democrat president or else everyone would be crying.....wait everyone is!

   ‪The leading cause of divorce is marriage.‬

   When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.