Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Antarctica called. It wants it's weather back.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   2016: Well 2017, it's almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my beer.

   I heard overhead on the PA system at Walmart: "Customer service needed in sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls".

   Dear Santa, yea I was naughty this year ..and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental b*stard!

   like who in their right mind would waste good money on life insurance when you can tell your sob story on Go Fund Me and stupid people to give you money?

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?

   I've had only had one glass of wine. . . Glass, bottle. . . whatever. . . A bottle is glass, right ??

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.

   OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   I'm not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.

   When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life.

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

   Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him!

   We had joy we had fun, specially in your mother's cun....

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.

   I just found out that my wife is actually Mrs. Santa Claus!! At least that's what my kids tell me.