Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jobs, jobs jobs. Trump won't stop until every American can afford to hire a Russian call girl to pee on them.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…

   I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.

   I went to a spin class led by Sean Spicer. It worked completely different leg muscles because all we did was back-pedal.

   Pretty sure that Flynn wants immunity so he can confess that he was the one who took a deuce in the urinal.

   This is nothing but a witch hunt. Since when is colluding with Russia a federal crime?

   It is okay to have a crooked POTUS, or a rapey POTUS, but we shouldn't be okay with this crooked rapey POTUS.

   Why would you trust your country to someone that you would not be willing to be alone in a room with your teenage daughter?

   Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.

   How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.

   It was fortunate that while investigation into Trump's wild claims took place, there was no other news to report.

   With increased coal production the White House hopes to make steam locomotive travel popular again. Next up, whale oil lamps.

   The bright side of Trump eradicating the ozone layer is even with melanoma and retinal cancer, we can all enjoy the pretty polluted sunsets.

   I knew Trump would declare war pretty soon into his Presidency but I didn't think we'd be so lucky he'd declare war on the "Freedom" Caucus.

   If you think Mike Pence referring to his wife as mother is disturbing, just wait until you hear what Trump calls Ivanka behind closed doors.

   The reason Trump won't release his tax returns is religious. He doesn't want us to mock his profit.

   Republican Marriages: To avoid temptation, Mike Pence won't dine alone with women. To avoid temptation, Melania Trump lives in New York.

   I can't help wondering if the Oval Office has a special closet for Mike Pence.

   Flynn has agreed to testify in exchange for immunity. "Can someone please offer me a deal?" responds Melania Trump.

   Obama ethics lawyer slams Ivanka hiring as unethical. You should never hire someone you want to bang.