Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

   If after many drinks she still looks ugly put a flag on her head and do it for your country.

   To the anonymous person that keeps sending all that damn porn to my phone.. get a new phone with a better camera please! :)

   You know what is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone.

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am gonna assume you are one ugly b!tch with extreme low self esteem.

   Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.

   I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   Well, Just crossed something else off my bucket list. I didn't do it I just got to damn old to do it.

   Relationships are like jobs, they require full time, overtime, no paid time off, and the benefits are based on performance.

   If I could do it all over again... I probably wouldn't be pu$$y and make the remark "If I could do it all over again."

   Transitions Lenses are a great way let people know you wear socks when you're having sex.

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.