Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.

   Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   The six flags rollercoaster that people got stuck on.... Obamas fault.

   The expression "don;t leave me hanging here" was coined by Jesus of Nazareth on this day over 2000 years ago.

   Jared Kushner gained the President's trust by banging the hottest chick the President knows.

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   Daddy has a really, really big bomb.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   For now on, should United airlines lose a passengers baggage. That passenger has a right to kick a$$ on one of their employees. . .

   there a deadbeat son-in-law of all bombs somewhere complaining about his mother-in-law of all bombs?

   American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.

   I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".