Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons

   "You're not fat darling, it’s just that you’re… very easy to see."

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....

   Dance like your hot cousin is watching.

   Verizon guy: Your new phone is water resistant. Me: Oh, good. Cuz I cry a lot.

   US auto workers demand to be replaced by American robots, not those damn Mexican el robots.

   Internal discussion at Toyota today about which Trump golf tournament they should sponsor this spring.

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   Ever seen a human pyramid? Someone needs to explain to government and CEO's this concept. And about who falls farthest if any level fails...

   I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

   Taking a bullet for someone is nothing. Take a nuclear warhead to the chest, now that's impressive....

   Q: Why there are bomb blasts in Pakistan? A: The terrorists have opted to 'work from home' policy.

   For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   Difference between Canadians and Americans Canadians say . How you doing eh ? Americans say . Hey how you doing .

   Wondering why everyone says "I'm not worried about ME driving in the snow. It's all the idiots out there." At some point, someone has to be that idiot.

   I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !

   I miss Rodney Dangerfield.... now there a great comedian.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.