Funny Status Messages

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   Bill O'Reilly and Bill Cosby walk into a bar. Everyone immediately covers their drinks in fear.

   Melania Trump did her part in saving American jobs by having her official portrait taken at a local Sears Photo Studio.

   Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.

   The President's old Ferrari sold at auction for $270,000. It would've sold for more but it had some pre-existing conditions.

   If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?

   North Korea fired a Ballistic missile today. Guess they're out of Ballistic missiles now .

   Tony Romo threw in the towel today, even that was intercepted.

   The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"

   There have been only two authentic geniuses in the world, Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare. — Tallulah Bankhead

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but every time she eats a banana she automatically puts one hand behind her head.

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.

   After today's revelations about Susan Rice, I think it's become clear that the only foreigner who meddled in the election was Obama.

   I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.

   I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..