Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 982 of 6383
I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it.
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01-09-2017 08:58
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The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.
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01-09-2017 08:58
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If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
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01-09-2017 08:57
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Frankly auto correct... i'm getting really tired of your shirt
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01-08-2017 21:18 by Migasjoe
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You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg.
Heres how to make me cry: take a picture of two old people and write 'best friends' on it.
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01-07-2017 18:00
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I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.
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01-07-2017 17:59
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some babies are born premature but I was born very mature I just came out and I was like so what
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01-07-2017 17:57
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During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
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01-07-2017 17:38
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“It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.
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01-07-2017 17:36
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Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
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01-07-2017 17:36
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The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.
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01-07-2017 17:35
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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
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01-07-2017 17:35
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A total of 11 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend.
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01-07-2017 17:34
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I seem pretty put together for a grown man who imagines he's traveling through a wormhole each time he pulls a turtleneck over his head.
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01-07-2017 17:34
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I've never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn't swish it around.
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01-07-2017 17:34
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Q: why are your eyes covered in ketchup? A: because Heinz sight is 20/20.
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01-07-2017 17:33
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♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫
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01-07-2017 17:32
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Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.
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01-07-2017 17:31
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Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
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01-07-2017 16:51
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