Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting.

   We used a blow up doll for a raft one time. You should have seen the looks on the parents faces. It was awesome. Giddyup!

   All the memories of my ex fall under the "What was I thinking!!" catagory... just like the night I chased tequilla with vodka!

   If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.

   ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   The heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA Finals...

   Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.

   Tupac died because he lived the thug life. This 12 pack is going to die because I live the chug life.

   I mixed a chunk of poop into the dog's shampoo so he wouldn't feel obligated to roll around in anything stinky after his bath.

   To the lady I just read about in the personal ads. It's all in how you word things. Don't say you are divorced and have 3 kids. Say you are experienced and have 3 tax deductions.

   I can't believe I'm having to even post this. But to the fine up standing citizen who is concerned about some of my post. I DID NOT REALLY SLAP A HO' AT THE HOLIDAY IN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT. It was at the Red Roof Inn.

   A mom is cleaning her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines. She asks her husband what to do and he says, "What ever you do, don't f*ckin' spank him!"

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   If you laugh like this ----> bahaha, I assume you're part sheep. ;)

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise...

   If you think I care about what you think of me, then you've highly over estimated my opinion of you.

   People say that I'm stubborn but I insist that I'm not. They eventually give in to me.

   Ladies, that "gangsta" face you make in your Facebook pictures isn't cute. You look like you're trying to smell your upper lip.

   Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

   It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you're listening.