Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 977 of 6453

NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.
←Rate |
04-25-2017 17:25
Comments (0)

I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
←Rate |
04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y
Comments (0)

Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.
←Rate |
04-25-2017 14:48 by ryan
Comments (0)

They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.
←Rate |
04-25-2017 13:28 by Mick
Comments (0)

Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?
←Rate |
04-25-2017 12:04
Comments (0)

Feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....
←Rate |
04-25-2017 10:04
Comments (0)

I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
←Rate |
04-25-2017 08:48
Comments (0)

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.
←Rate |
04-25-2017 08:41
Comments (0)

I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures
←Rate |
04-25-2017 03:01 by Eddy
Comments (0)

I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate |
04-24-2017 16:41
Comments (1)

FOX needs to hire more women who look like Rachel Madcow. Problem solved.

The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough...
←Rate |
04-24-2017 10:45
Comments (0)

I got in touch with my feminine side this morning. I made myself breakfast.

The Fate of the Furious: mindless drivel supported by today's mindless moviegoers. Proving how easy it is nowadays to separate an idiot from his money.
←Rate |
04-24-2017 03:21
Comments (2)

I think it's isensitive for Batman movies to be rated PG
←Rate |
04-23-2017 23:01
Comments (0)

Kids today have no idea how to manage their time. Back in my day, I was able to do 18 holes and still found to to play golf.
←Rate |
04-23-2017 21:53 by Frank
Comments (0)

it possible to get herpes over the internet? Asking for a friend who's dead meat when my wife, I mean his wife finds out. Come on, she was hot!

The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted a paper or plastic bag. I said plastic. She goes, "You must have a pretty girlfriend."

It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 19:02 by snotty
Comments (11)

Apparently today is Earth Day? I wish someone would have told me that before I went outside and cut millions of blades of grass in half and poisoned the yellow flowers in my yard. (actually, I would have done it anyway)
←Rate |
04-22-2017 16:47
Comments (0)