Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did Lindsay Lohan Convert to Islam? If so she could assemble her suicide vest from all of those horrible movies she has made over her career.. Bombs.. get it..

   when I was 5 years old my teacher asked if I wanted to take the class guinea pig home ;.. 7 months later I arrived in the African republic of Guinea .

   I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .

   Too bad after 146 yrs Ringling Brothers Circus is closing. Well, there is always Facebook. . .

   I went to a museum and it had all the heads from the statues in other museums .

   I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa....Well I think it is a scam!!! Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving!!!!

   Nice try, Tom Selleck, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived at Robin Masters Mansion for like eight years

   The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.

   The reason Dolphins fans hate Patriots fans is because the Pats are superior in every way imaginable. Including year after year.

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me breakfast.

   I haven’t seen the Democrats so angry since the Republicans took away their slaves

   IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn't find the exit

   Be Yourself. Unless you are a jerk; in which case pretend to be someone else.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Where can I go to find FBI Director Comey? Tune in this week to find out from media News!

   Obama should resign a day early to make Biden the 45th president just to ruin all of Trump's merchandise.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on

   Someone I know just had a great great grandchild. That kid comes from a long line of fucl<ers.

   I'm so old that I remember when Entertainers actually performed at a Presidential Inauguration without receiving death threats!

   Well .... My wife said she wanted a cat and I didn't, so we compromised and got a cat.