Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.

   "16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series

   Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.

   Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.

   If they made a movie ,you know who would make a good Obama? Morgan Freeman. Not because they look alike but because Morgan never did a damn thing for America either.

   2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.

   2020 democratic presidential candidate slogan - " Who want free phones?"

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

   Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.

   Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.

   United, we put the hospital in hospitality.

   Bill Clinton denied having sexual relations with his intern because it was hugely embarrassing. Melania denies having sexual relations with Donald for the same reason.

   Like most hard working Americans, Trump should be allowed to fly a private jet to his personal golf course and palatial estate at the taxpayers expense without. Everyone getting crazy.

   I don't want our enemies to know what I am thinking, so I will keep my thought s between me and my millions of followers on twitter.

   It is gonna be awkward in the hall today when Jared runs into Sean and asks him what the holocaust Center is.

   Spicer can't concentrate long enough to intelligently discuss the holocaust. He needs to improve his concentration. Do they have camps for that?

   If the plan was to hire a press secretary so incompetent that it distracts people from the Administration's incompetence, then today was a very successful press conference indeed.

   Funny how effective Chicago police are if you havent commited any crimes.