Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pollen count is so high math labs are busy trying to turn their math back in to Benadryl

   Fun At The Office Tip: Eat an Easter egg on the Friday after Easter, then wait for the employees to start an office pool named, "What crawled up your a$$ and died?"

   At the end of each day life should ask us, "Do you want to save the changes?"

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   I downloaded an APP to do my taxes. I hope it hurries.....It's running out of time........

   Well Easter is almost over, just saw Walmart employees putting up Christmas Decorations......

   God was invented by the caveman to explain thunder and other stuff he could not explain.

   Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

   We will rock you until another one bites the dust and we are the champions.

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   If it's not suitable for facebook, it's perfect for twitter.

   Astronaut: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: We have trump. You're better off up there.

   Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.

   Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

   I hate when my dog plays in the rain and comes in the house smelling like a hipster.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.