Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow, that was embarrassing. I tried to non-chalantly touch one of Ivanka's breasts and ended up holding hands with the President.

   Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.

   Breaking news .. a White House to hire Bill O'Reilly and appoint him as chair of women's rights committee.

   How can Bill O'Reilly be fired. The President assured as he is a good guy and didn't do anything wrong.

   Much like the Atlanta Falcons, Aaron Hernandez choked in the end.

   Why is anybody sad about Aaron Hernandez killing himself? He is a murderer. It's funny how people act like he's an angel now.

   Aaron Hernandez's suicide just means 1 more Patriot wont be visiting the White House Today...

   BREAKING NEWS: Aaron Hernandez out indefinitely with neck injury.

   Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.

   You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed and that is pretty close.

   I promise you it wasn't special treatment. McDonald's makes me wait for my fries every damn time. Nice try playing the hero and all.

   They should change the sound of the new chip card machines . Make me panic and think my purchase was denied. Put a ding on on it or some thing make me think I won something

   It's fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can't tell.

   In school I was always the teachers pet. I was like a pet cat though. They just woke me up when it was time to eat.

   ever look at somebodys feet and there toes look like Fritoes

   All this talk about egg rolls is making me hungry for Chinese foood.

   I really hate it when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?

   And then Satan said "put the alphabet in math"

   They made Paul McCartney and Elton John knights. What's the point if they aren't going to joust?

   I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose