Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 972 of 6446

New US census report says nearly 1/3 of all millennials live with their parents. How many moulinyans live with their baby daddy?

Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 10:08
Comments (0)

I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"
←Rate |
04-22-2017 08:29 by Eedoo
Comments (1)

I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
←Rate |
04-22-2017 05:26
Comments (0)

I was on the bus today and farted. Four people turned around. I thought I was on the voice.
←Rate |
04-21-2017 21:45
Comments (0)

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.
←Rate |
04-21-2017 20:14
Comments (0)

This Uber app is the worst dating site ever. A lot of dates but zero action...
←Rate |
04-21-2017 17:15
Comments (0)

4/21 Happy National Suprise Drug Test Day!
←Rate |
04-21-2017 16:58 by daheavy1
Comments (0)

Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
←Rate |
04-21-2017 10:07
Comments (0)

Just got scammed out of $25.00, Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes. "Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
←Rate |
04-21-2017 10:06
Comments (0)

My wife said I should stop using Facebook and take her to shopping, or else she'll hit my head on keyboard, but haha who caresbggsshhdggdhbgshhnnxggsgsbbie...
←Rate |
04-20-2017 19:13
Comments (0)

Yesterday was the ann'y of the OKC bombing but all the pathetic national news could talk about was Aaron Hernandez and Bill O'Reilly...
←Rate |
04-20-2017 14:09
Comments (4)

I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
←Rate |
04-20-2017 11:32 by MK
Comments (0)

My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know...
I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!
←Rate |
04-20-2017 11:16
Comments (0)

Pro tip: If there's no man in the pictures, there usually isn't a man in the picture...
←Rate |
04-20-2017 10:48
Comments (2)

My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
←Rate |
04-20-2017 08:22
Comments (0)

Arron Hernadez's lawyer: "Hang in there" Arron Hernadez: "will do"
←Rate |
04-20-2017 07:15
Comments (0)

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
←Rate |
04-20-2017 07:13
Comments (0)

I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...
←Rate |
04-20-2017 04:23
Comments (0)

No officer I'm not a drug mule. I just like sticking things up my butt.
←Rate |
04-20-2017 02:26
Comments (0)