Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got scammed out of $25.00, Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes. "Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

   My wife said I should stop using Facebook and take her to shopping, or else she'll hit my head on keyboard, but haha who caresbggsshhdggdhbgshhnnxggsgsbbie...

   Yesterday was the ann'y of the OKC bombing but all the pathetic national news could talk about was Aaron Hernandez and Bill O'Reilly...

   I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know... I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!

   Pro tip: If there's no man in the pictures, there usually isn't a man in the picture...

   My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.

   Arron Hernadez's lawyer: "Hang in there" Arron Hernadez: "will do"

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...

   No officer I'm not a drug mule. I just like sticking things up my butt.

   Bill O'Reilly turned the No Spin Zone into the Hoe Sin Zone.

   raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine

   Some people say marijuana makes you dumb, but I smoke all the time and my IQ is 420.

   They say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think the bulb might be blown

   I just put my phone on airplane mode and it dragged me out of my seat

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is hanging by a thread waiting on his guilty verdict.

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

   After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands.

   Wow, that was embarrassing. I tried to non-chalantly touch one of Ivanka's breasts and ended up holding hands with the President.