Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   Trump lost the trade war with Mexico, bwahahahahaha! Get use to losing all the time, with dump in office, America will keep on losing!

   i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!

   NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.

   Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.

   I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   FOX needs to hire more women who look like Rachel Madcow. Problem solved.

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough...

   I got in touch with my feminine side this morning. I made myself breakfast.

   The Fate of the Furious: mindless drivel supported by today's mindless moviegoers. Proving how easy it is nowadays to separate an idiot from his money.

   I think it's isensitive for Batman movies to be rated PG