Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The benefit of always going in to work late is that when you're on time, people think you're early.

   Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.

   now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'

   If there isn't a group of stoner college kids with a Summer cleaning business called "High Maintenance" then I'm truly afraid for our next generation of leaders.

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...

   In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

   You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

   Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.

   Like this status if you know someone who's only alive because you don't want to go to jail...

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   Do you ever just look at someone and "Why?" is the only thing you can come up with?

   ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   I'm surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.

   I changed my name in my friend's phone to "Marty McFly." Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.

   My temptation and my common sense are having one hell of a battle...

   LIKE IF: You sat down to check Facebook real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.

   Behind every good man is a good woman. Behind her are her over opinionated friends so she gets bad advice and comes off sounding like a b!tch.

   My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."