Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin I was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

   Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

   I look better in person.

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

   Opportunity does not knock; it presents itself when you beat down the door.

   Women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja.

   The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

   Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

   If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

   Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

   You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

   ne dis jamais je t'aime

   Self-Checkout should include an employee discount.

   My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

   Vaccinated or not, Please during these late summer days, wear deodorant. (and stay out of the left lane)

   No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

   20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head 30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle 40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

   I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

   From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

   *secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*