Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"

   Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"

   DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%

   Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   Im too honest to live in poverty. I have a job.

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

   The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

   Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.

   People should only be allowed to take selfies as often as they renew there license.

   Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back

   Someone just called me NORMAL......I have never been so insulted in my life....

   The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....

   If you are in a relationship and all you do is cry, you will have to ask yourself,"am I dating a human or an onion?"

   Not everybody has to like me, I cant force you to have a good taste!

   My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

   I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together