Funny Status Messages

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."

   If Justin Bieber thinks he's the Kurt Cobain of this generation why hasn't he killed himself yet?

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming

   I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.

   Donald Trump has 515 companies, four of which have gone bankrupt. Bill & hillary have had 5 and all 5 went bankrupt.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?

   Surely if Steve Buscemi of all ugly people can have a successful career in Hollywood, there is nothing that should stop you from achieving your own goals.

   Your small talk is beginning to make my eye twitch.

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.

   I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.

   It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.