Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   I’ve been chatting online with a 14-year-old girl. Really flirty and sexy. Then she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"

   Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks

   Don't forget to proudly wave our American flags made in China today..

   The media is terrible!!! They should have really help that beached whale (Christie) back into the water!! But no!! They just take pics and publish.

   The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.

   The only problem with Chris Christie closing the beach to everyone but himself... Not enough people there to push him back into the water.

   The only reason Christie was caught was that some environmentalists were in the area and thought they saw a beached whale.

   So you wanna celebrate tyhe Fourth of July? Start a Revolution!

   There's a big difference between a girl and a guy using a whole box of kleenex while watching a movie...

   we shoot off Chinese fireworks to celebrate our freedom from the British

   Wonder Woman an icon representing male objectification or female empowerment?

   At the time getting into a relationship seemed like a good idea... but then again so did getting on the Titanic

   Almost that time if tear to whip out the Ol' cellular device and record a bunch of fireworks I'll never watch again.

   My newest pet peeve on Facebook lately when someone asks for a suggestion on hotels restaurants vacations spots etc.. google it you lazy/dumb F$)&tart.

   They say that shopping while you are hungry is the worst thing you can do, but I think clubbing a seal is, at least, equally bad.

   When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.