Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I had sex with an ohmless person last night. There was very little resistance. (most of you will be too dumb to get this)

   If you get any dumber, you might wanna put your helmet on.

   Life is what you make it! I made it into a bottle of booze and chugged the whole bottle in one sitting and then threw the bottle at a tree.

   You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

   It's only insulting when you don't have a sense of humor.

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   Just once I'd like my girlfriend not to scream when I do my hilarious Stevie Wonder driving a car impression.

   If your girl gives you a "choice" preceded by an option, the option is really your only choice.

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow.

   If being batsh!t crazy was as visible as a nice body some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention.

   I hate it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.

   Girl, I will stay with you through thick and thin…. but preferably thin.

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"