Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: Vladimir Putin gives Devin Nunes an 'attaboy.'

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?

   Looks like the Healthcare bill vote may be delayed so Nancy Pelosi can read it this time

   A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss

   Obama did so much for blacks, More free food and more free housing. Just what your fat white baby momma wanted.

   Q: What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? A: Icy dead people.

   Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I just bid on a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now I'm 10 minutes away from owning the Dallas Cowboys.

   I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.

   Donald Trump seems like the kind of guy who had a Y2K bunker.

   Fun Fact: Paul Manafort is a direct descendant of Benedict Arnold.

   Paul Manafort just offered to help Vladimir Putin move apartments.

   No one will really notice your awkwardness if you turn it into a dance routine.

   distance can be so cruel when you love somebody

   If you don't know where you stand with people then walk away.

   Make sure you've got something of yourself left over for the ones that love you. 3 replies 65 retweets 121 likes

   When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

   Trump surely kept your whiney ass from being run down today. Youre welcome.

   Donald Trump is the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him.