Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend asked me for another word for incorrect. Of course, my answer was wrong.

   How is it that you can sue a cigarette company for cancer & Mcdonalds for getting fat, but you can't sue Budweiser for all the ugly people you've woke up next to?

   Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.

   I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people.

   If a lesbian c@ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   I may be a 32 year OLD man with a slight belly in just a dirty white T-shirt and Hanes boxer briefs, but when I'm on my patio having a smoke I pose like I'm in Calvin Klein Photo Shoot.

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   My girlfriend asked me what I would do if she were to die. I told her I'd probably do 25 to life.

   Making someone shudder means you're either doing something very wrong or very right.

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   Seismologists have confirmed the cause of the quake in DC today was the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!

   Women may be the only thing that are easier to pick up as they get heavier.

   You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

   “You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can't you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

   I think “Recession” is when your neighbor loses his job. “Depression” is when you lose yours. And “Recovery” is when Obama loses his.

   Ever noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to?!

   A slut is simply a woman with the morals of a man.

   When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you.