Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damn. Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   I just saw a commercial that said, "Spend less time cleaning your toilet and have more time for the things you love to do." ... Yeah, like because I spend so much time cleaning my toilet that by the time I'm finished the whole day is over.

   Are we sure Queen Elizabeth's death was "natural causes" and not Reggie Jackson finishing what he started?

   Couldn't you have told me that my password was incorrect BEFORE you made me select all the pictures that have motorcycles?

   Without Trump in the White House, I don't think I'll have the will to live.

   CNN, CBS, ABC, MSNBC. Not a fan of any news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel, The Cartoon Network

   Just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

   accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for 4 hours but everything makes me look fat. And I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.

   Still trying to figure out what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Once again I will Watching football this season the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   For $250 an hour I will pose as a marriage counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everythng.

   I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

   Everything I know about the Kardashians I learned against my will.

   At my funeral, I want a group of Italian guys to walk up to my casket and say "We're gonna miss ya boss" so my family thinks I had something going on.

   I love Trump so much, I'm willing to make up anything in order to make Joe Biden look bad. Come back Trump, I can't live without you!!!

   The "Inflation Reduction Act" is about to turn the Recession into a Depression, but at least the Prozac will be cheaper.

   I'm going to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too small to go there by itself.

   I'm so happy college football is back. Where else can one enjoy such blatant one sidedness and win money on the outcome?

   Dating is like trying on shoes. You think you found a good fit, but it begins to hurt after a little while.

   My belly is like jelly. I cut one and it's smelly.