Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   Where do you place the cornerstone in a roundhouse

   Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.

   I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   We should start a cult. You know, for tax purposes.

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   A friend of mine drowned at the beach. The Coast Guard asked me to identify the body. I said duh, it's the Atlantic Ocean.

   I can't be the only one who hasn't seen a Taylor Swift video

   it just me or has Aunt Jimmah lost weight?

   "Where was obama during the san francisco earthquake of 1906???" - Trump supporters

   Before you go driving thru flood water, remember water made the Grand Canyon.

   I thought Hurricane Harvey was the miss Universe thing

   See what happens when you name a hurricane after a man! He won't ask directions, wanders around lost, leaves a mess and doesn't clean up after himself!

   Trump comes to Texas and the sun immediately comes out. Amazing!

   Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.

   I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.

   When my ex eats alphabet soup she chokes on the D!!!

   If two vegans had an argument, is it still beef?