Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think Mike Pence referring to his wife as mother is disturbing, just wait until you hear what Trump calls Ivanka behind closed doors.

   The reason Trump won't release his tax returns is religious. He doesn't want us to mock his profit.

   Republican Marriages: To avoid temptation, Mike Pence won't dine alone with women. To avoid temptation, Melania Trump lives in New York.

   I can't help wondering if the Oval Office has a special closet for Mike Pence.

   Flynn has agreed to testify in exchange for immunity. "Can someone please offer me a deal?" responds Melania Trump.

   Obama ethics lawyer slams Ivanka hiring as unethical. You should never hire someone you want to bang.

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   If you're a man and you post pics of nothing but cute little kittens on your Facebook timeline, effective immediately according to section 19 article 3 'YOU MUST turn in your MAN card!'.

   Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"

   When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?

   Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.

   My memory foam has amnesia

   I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

   dems trying to censor any free speech site. And if they can't censor it, they flood it with pro-left nonsense. Sound familiar?

   If Obama gave out government grants for sukin dik guess what scientists would be doing......

   Good thing scientists were WRONG about the ozone huh?