Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‪The leading cause of divorce is marriage.‬

   When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   "Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."

   If this is a witch hunt, didn't it end when they found Kellyanne?

   Jobs, jobs jobs. Trump won't stop until every American can afford to hire a Russian call girl to pee on them.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…

   I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.

   I went to a spin class led by Sean Spicer. It worked completely different leg muscles because all we did was back-pedal.

   Pretty sure that Flynn wants immunity so he can confess that he was the one who took a deuce in the urinal.

   This is nothing but a witch hunt. Since when is colluding with Russia a federal crime?

   It is okay to have a crooked POTUS, or a rapey POTUS, but we shouldn't be okay with this crooked rapey POTUS.

   Why would you trust your country to someone that you would not be willing to be alone in a room with your teenage daughter?

   Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.

   How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.

   It was fortunate that while investigation into Trump's wild claims took place, there was no other news to report.

   With increased coal production the White House hopes to make steam locomotive travel popular again. Next up, whale oil lamps.

   The bright side of Trump eradicating the ozone layer is even with melanoma and retinal cancer, we can all enjoy the pretty polluted sunsets.

   I knew Trump would declare war pretty soon into his Presidency but I didn't think we'd be so lucky he'd declare war on the "Freedom" Caucus.