Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   M&M Mars are stupid if they don't shoot a commercial featuring Mayweather and McGregor.

   Wish me luck. I'm about to tell this highway it's adopted.

   Maybe we need a wall along the gulf coast!!

   Why is it that the same people who are upset about a sports announcer named Robert Lee were perfectly OK with a president whose middle name was Hussein?

   No wife ever shot her husband for doing the dishes.

   I like to let my kids do everything other parents are yelling at their kids to stop doing.

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   - Question: Why do they call hand-cuffs, hand-cuffs if they're placed on your wrists?

   I can't believe someone would willingly have the sex with some of you people

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.

   I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.

   Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...

   Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

   There are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is on a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral from an 85-year-old woman. Both are thinking the same thing. What? A. Don't look down.

   A woman is not an object, do not treat it like one!!

   Chain letters via FB inbox, is a great way to promote viruses, not awareness for prostate cancer..... Stop Inbox Chain letters!!

   I once dated a girl with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.