Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids consider “it’s bedtime” like it’s the first offer in the negotiation process.

   Trump has asked his senior advisors to figure out a way to combine his two favourite pastimes ... golf, and getting peed on by Russian call girls.

   Never give up on your dreams. You can go from Slovakian call girl to First Lady if you put your mind to it.

   I went from fat to fit ... but only on the "how do you compare physically to the President" scale.

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   One time in 6th grade me and my friend got to an Easter egg hunt early and switched all the candy in the eggs with mustard and ketchup.

   Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.

   Sorry there will be no April Fools day prank coming out of the white house. They already did by putting Trump in office.

   Every time at Subway they make you a bad sandwich, shove it in their mouth.

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.

   Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   What's the difference between a illegal and a park bench??? A park bench can support a family

   The pinata is a great way for Mexicans to teach their kids to beat something till they get what they want.

   Musl/ms dont use toilet paper. Starbucks vows to hire 10,000 of them. Enjoy your coffee.