Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I choose what restaurants to go to, based on if they have Mr. Pibb

   Sometimes I wonder if things are getting worse or just more obvious.

   I was just on the Weight-Watchers website and it asked me if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

   Where can I buy a loaf of that jammin' bread that I always hear about in the song..."Tea, a drink with jammin' bread?"

   Why is Martha’s Vineyard so upset about becoming enriched by diversity?

   I honestly don't care what color the Mermaid is. It's all gonna smell like fish either way.

   Remember: You can't have a mid-life crisis if your entire life is a crisis.

   If you're running away from a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, DO NOT play dead!

   One of the main differences between a nudist and streaker is speed.

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth.

   Neighbor kid just told me he let a girl “borrow” his hoodie. Should I tell him now or let him learn?

   Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

   had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

   I pack underwear as if I plan to crap myself for 40 days and nights

   I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

   Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

   If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

   The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

   My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie. Should I tell him now or let him learn?