Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

   Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again!

   it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?

   If you're easily offended, you'll want to skip over the post below... Actually, just skip all of mine. I don't want DoucheBags reading them anyway.

   I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.

   If you're doing it right, someone will say you're doing it wrong.

   MTV Cribs is a nice reminder that we all act like complete idiots when we come into money.

   Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students. They are outdated. I want one that says "My kid's in high school and I'm not a grandpa."

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... give a woman a compliment and he can 'eat' for a week.

   The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.

   My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was was so pissed off. Though to be fair it was my own fault for leaving them on.

   I knew this hurricane would be lame. After all, they named it after a chinese lady with one leg.

   My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

   There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the f*ck over it.