Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through

   I was on the bus today and farted. Four people turned around. I thought I was on the voice.

   You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.

   This Uber app is the worst dating site ever. A lot of dates but zero action...

   4/21 Happy National Suprise Drug Test Day!

   Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   Just got scammed out of $25.00, Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes. "Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

   My wife said I should stop using Facebook and take her to shopping, or else she'll hit my head on keyboard, but haha who caresbggsshhdggdhbgshhnnxggsgsbbie...

   Yesterday was the ann'y of the OKC bombing but all the pathetic national news could talk about was Aaron Hernandez and Bill O'Reilly...

   I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know... I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!

   Pro tip: If there's no man in the pictures, there usually isn't a man in the picture...

   My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.

   Arron Hernadez's lawyer: "Hang in there" Arron Hernadez: "will do"

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...

   No officer I'm not a drug mule. I just like sticking things up my butt.

   Bill O'Reilly turned the No Spin Zone into the Hoe Sin Zone.