Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   I have to get with the times on this social media stuff. All this time I thought Instagram was a convenient way to obtain cocaine.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?

   When a wife's deadbeat husband died. She had him cremated and his ashes placed in a 24 hour, hour-glass. He's now working 24/7 for eternity.

   ‪Please send your prayers out to the unsuspecting victim who will end up using the same cart of the guy I saw wiping his nose with his palm.

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   Will the real Slim Shady please shut up, please shut up....

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign in it. "I don't share my candy. Go away!"

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning: The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.