Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.

   What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.

   It's only 2017 and I am already sick and tired of the Orange Man.

   Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.

   At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.

   I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.

   It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.

   I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   I guess Kim Jong-un is burning out his fuse up there alone this morning.

   I want to invent a product like prayer, an idea I sell people where no matter how much it fails and proves itself useless, they still think it's great and continue to use it!

   Obama is skinny because as a kid he always gave up his lunch money to bullies like he did as president to Iran and North Korea.

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   As a caucasian guy, I'm not allowed to say the "N word" but I can say "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hi Dad."

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 76 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   Go ahead, keep making fun of millennials but you are gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

   How to make a Millennial laugh: Tell them there was a time when you knew your private information was safe in government hands

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...