Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.

   We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.

   "The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.

   How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.

   Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.

   Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema

   a man was making love to a village girl without protection.... she-you are not using protection,i hope you don't have AIDS? him-no,i don't have AIDS she-thank God,i don't want to get that thing again! the guy fainted

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening

   Why can't Star Wars fans ever get laid? Because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.

   Difference between cinco de mayo and St Patrick day is that no one wants to be a Mexican on cinco de mayo

   What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.

   Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall.

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   I'm going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell. i

   Woke up this morning to find mets In 1st place . Then I realized my phone was upside down

   Let’s pretend like we just went camping. When you wake up the next morning, you notice that your underwear is on backwards. Would you tell anyone about it? If your answer is no, do you want to go camping?

   I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.