Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   My wife has been looking through the window every since it started raining this morning. I suppose I should let her back in.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.

   I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

   Cop: Turn around Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Cop: Turn around! Me: Every.. *gets tased*

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.

   Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.

   Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go

   . Don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Just saying

   I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

   Leaving out one letter can cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees: "Doll I'm having a blast in Las Vegas, wish you were her."

   Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️

   How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

   Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work