Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,

   I’m pretty sure the most dangerous mixed drink is alcohol and Facebook

   You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.

   Just saw a guy in the laundrymat throw in his NO FEAR white t-shirt with his colors. That guy is living the dream.

   At some point we will have to sit down and discuss Kenny Loggins

   If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN

   I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.

   I am visualizing a world of peace and harmony that has never known conflict. And I am visualizing us completely dominating that world.

   When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians

   Looking for meaningless likes and retweets? Post something about candy corn.

   Not sure how many trick-or-treaters we will get, so better buy 400x more than I expect.

   I thought it was PMS, but apparently wild mood swings and mango cravings are just part of who she is

   When your leg twitches while you sleep that is your skeleton trying to escape because you are vulnerable

   I'm on my third round of candy that we are not eating before Halloween.

   The irony is overwhelming. The "LOCK HER UP" guy is getting his ass locked up. Hahaha!

   When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.

   How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie

   Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.

   Players of the Houston Texans football team took a knee during the national anthem Sunday. That...is...awesome!

   White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?