Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why do men twist their wedding ring? They are trying to work out the combination.

   It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.

   So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had to wait 40 years to get his own momunent, and then they make it out of white marble? Awkward...

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   The difference between making love and f*cking is the condition of the furniture afterward.

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

   A creepy clown? A robber wearing a cape? A purple gluttonous blob? If you think about it, the McDonald's mascots are horrifying.

   I went to fill out an application/job interview today. When I got to: "position applying for"........... I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and a "LOL." I think I NAILED it!!

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..

   My dad told me that if I didn't change my ways that I was going to wake up dead some day. Cool! I'm gonna be a zombie.

   I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"

   All good things come to those you hate. While you sit and wonder why this is true, the one you hate is enjoying their life while you just sit there and wonder why.

   When non-smokers come to My house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   There's no better person to have as your friend than a bartender who doesn't give a f*ck.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them.