jake Funny Status Messages

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.

   My friend ask me why I was still single. I said I'm single by choice..... Unfortunately it's not by my choce

   I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

   What happens in the shower stays in the shower....... Bet your loofah has some interesting stories it can tell

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.

   People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.

   The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence

   What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids

   What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

   My wife is so fat that she keeps walking into things....... Like Mc. Donald's Dunkin Donuts Dairy Queen etc etc etc

   I just got 40 winks on the suaway........ I knew I shouldn't of worn this pink T-shirt.

   Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

   Are you bored and broke? Do you have 40 spare hours to fill every week ? Would you like to earn thousands of dollars a month? Then get a job like the rest of us you bumb.

   The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.