hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.

   Caution: When someone tells you to get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.. Who knew

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

   Drank like 3 Four Lokos and some hand sanitizer last night, blacked out and apparently officiated a Monday Night Football game.

   If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?

   When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

   I wish I could just “like” a text so I didn't have to respond.

   I told my girlfriend I wanted to take her to the fair because it would be romantic...that is better than admitting I just want cotton candy for dinner.

   This morning I was standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.

   If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.

   I desperately need a "hide political posts" button on Facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election year is over.

   If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

   Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I've seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.

   I Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.

   Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.