flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.

   The store sign said the cashier has less than $20.. So I said "hang in there buddy!" and I gave him a quarter.

   The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   with all due respect, officer, you were also going that fast.

   Do people who work in those office supply stores steal stuff from their homes to use at work?

   There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   After 39 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out.

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"

   Cashier asked me if I wanted a box for my groceries. I said "yes", and she punched me

   if a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

   While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald's stops serving breakfast.

   I don't have a smartphone.. I have a phone that shows potential, but refuses to apply its self.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.

   The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

   Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   Lost fifty dollars in my neighborhood. If someone finds it I'll give them a free dog.